Safe. Cherished. Loved.

I wrote this poem on October 25th, 2005. It was about a dream that I had about my Grandpa (the one who abused me). It was a very beautiful and healing experience for me to write this poem. I thought I'd share it, for two reasons. The first reason is that if it helps anyone else who has suffered a similar experience, that would be amazing. The second reason is simply that it is something very personal to me, and I'd like to share it with others.

Here it is:

He tried to be nice to me. He offered me a drink and tried to casually chat. He kept on changing into my Mom's dad. Back and forthe the two changed. The dialogue continued as though I was talking to the same man the whole time. I didn't seem to notice the difference. I guess in a lot of ways they have come to represent the same things to me. Stolen innocence. Lies. The planting of false truths into the mind of a child.

"If you let me do this to you, everything will be OK. You'll be safe. Cherished. Loved."

You come to believe that your sacrifice will save the family. From hurt. Shock. Anger. Most importantly, you will save your Mother from the loss of the man she trusted. The man she put her faith, her life, into. You'll save her from having her false sense of security ripped out of her soul. From re-living her pain, her betrayal, her confusion. Her pain, her betrayal, her confusion - given to her from her own 'him.'

All you have to do is stay silent. Close your eyes or focus intently on the light's reflection, the shade of yellow that covers the bed, the stucco patterns on the ceiling. And hope that it's quick. And hope that after, he'll tell you how special you are. That he'll re-plant that false truth inside your soul.

That everything will be OK. You'll be safe. Cherished. Loved.

Because at that moment, while it is happening, it doesn't feel as though that will ever be a possibility again.

He asked me how I was. He told me how beautiful I'd grown up to be.

I told him it was because I am happy. After all these years, the un-tangling of all the lies he wove in my mind. I am finally happy.

That's why I'm beautiful, I told him. Because I un-did what he had done.

It was at that moment. He admitted it. He admitted what he had done to me. He seemed so casual about it. As though he was telling me about a meal he ate 20 years ago. Not just any meal, but the best meal of his life. A meal he had never, ever forgotten, but held onto for all these years. The memories of it's taste had, in a sense, haunted him too.

But for him it was the haunting of some beautiful, un-imaginable dream that he once came close to touching, to reaching. Then he lost sight of it; it slipped away from him. I slipped away from him.

All these years, he has been imprisoned by the memory of me, and I never knew.

All these years, he has stopped himself from being happy. Because he saw something beautiful once. Me. And he tried own me; he did own me once.

His memory of the girl I used to be has haunted him for 20 years. My memory of the girl I used to be, the girl he so nearly destroyed, has haunted me for 20 years.

Our past; intertwined with one another's, left us both in chains.

But I am free now, and he is not. He never will be.

And all of my pain, my betrayal, my confusion; all of the feelings that my memories of him bring forth, seem to fall away. Because I am free now. And he is not.

And I know, without his reassurances, I know, that everything will be OK. I am safe. Cherished. Loved.

And I realize that, had he not done what he did, had he not been who he was to me, I always would have been. I have always been all the things I wanted him to see in me. He never really wanted to see those things in me; strength, love, beauty, compassion. He just wanted to see me trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be. He just wanted that power over me.

They say that strength, compassion, beauty; love; overcomes all.

I can believe them now. Because I am finally free.

The Love of My Life (Rob)

I realized last night, that up until now, my blog hasn't really been reflecting what's going on in my life. Seems like the only thing is my book club! hehe That's just easy and interesting to write about, I guess!

Anyways, the major thing happening in my life right now is that I'm getting married this August 18th, to the love of my life, Rob (who has a blog too! Take a look: http://librarytechnician.wordpress.com/)

Rob & I met about 4 years ago (God, I can't believe it's been that long!). Although we were just "casually" dating at first, I think we both knew pretty quickly that we were in love, and then spent about 5-6 months denying it to ourselves, each other, and our friends. I was going through a very difficult time in my life then psychologically, dealing with my past and mental illness. I started university (after transferring to UBC finally), and shortly after, had to drop out. I spent an entire week pretty much insane, hardly eating or sleeping. I would distract myself all day, in a very manic, obsessive kind of way, to the point where I couldn't even carry out a conversation with someone. At night, as soon as I went to bed and had nothing to distract me, I'd fall apart. I'd spend hours in bed, hugging my knees, rocking back & forth, sobbing away. Telling myself that I'd feel better tomorrow, and if I didn't, then I'd do something about it. I'd struggled with depression before, so I knew that I needed help. But I couldn't stand to admit it. Sometime during this week, I broke up with Rob. I knew, at that point, that I was in love with him, and since we were supposed to be "casual", I thought it was best to end it before I got more emotionally attached. Plus, dealing with what I was dealing with made it pretty much impossible to carry on a "casual" relationship with someone.

At the end of that week, I finally admitted that I needed help. I decided to check myself into the psychiatric ward. This was definetely one of the hardest decisions of my life. The main thing that I was dealing with was that I was molested by my Grandfather (not my real Grandpa, but a friend of my parents, who happened to be older - my Mom thought of him as a Father) when I was a little girl. For years. And it left me very confused. Hurt. Lost. Angry. I couldn't trust anyone. I couldn't love anyone without then assuming that he would abandon me (cause that's what my Grandpa did). It hurt too much to actually let myself fully deal with it. I thought that I wouldn't be able to let myself fall apart enough to deal with it, and continue being a stable human being. I didn't trust that I had the strength to put myself together again.

While it was, I think, a good decision to check into the hospital, it turned out to be one of the worst experiences of my life. I was barely capable of talking about my problems, yet I was forced over and over that night to tell emergency ward nurses and doctors, who were clearly over-worked, impatient, and didn't exactly make me feel comfortable, what was going on. I had to wait hours and hours. When I was finally checked in, I then had to wait more hours to see the emergency ward doctor. He then referred me to the Psychiatrist (uh, duh, thanks...could have told you I needed the Psychiatrist!), whom I then had to wait another 4-5 hours to see. During that time, not a single person came to check on me. It was the scariest thing I'd ever done. It takes a great amount of bravery to admit that you need mental help, especially to such an extent. To then be treated the way I was treated is simply horrendous, and goes to show how bad off our medical system is.

When the Psychiatrist finally came to see me, she did the standard depression interview, which I recognized right away. Now I should mention here that my greatest coping mechanism is to be logical. When I go into trauma-mode, few people can actually tell. Because I analyze everything as though it is going on OUTSIDE my head, instead of inside. So that's what I did with her. I recognized her trying to fit me into medical diagnosis holes, and promptly walked around them. She asked me if I was suicidal, and I was honest. I said no. I told her that I had been before, and that I was far more depressed now than I was then, but that I knew, from experience, that 1. I didn't really want to die - all I wanted was to live, without the pain, hurt, fear, etc.; and 2. I was too chicken shit to actually kill myself.

Because I was not deemed a "danger to myself," she promptly wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant and some sleeping pills, "to get my sleep cycle back on track," and then told me to go home.

At this point, I sort of lost it on her. I told her that I was there to get help, before I hurt myself, and if she was only willing to help me AFTER I hurt myself, etc...The she said, "Maybe you should just stay for tonight in the E.R." So I did.

The next morning, a different Psychiatrist came to see me. She explained to me that if I really wanted to be admitted, she would do so, but that, for me, she did not recommend it. She said that the psych. ward was full mostly of people who were severely schizophrenic (sp?) and heroin addicts coming off the drug. She said it was not a happy place to be, that it was completely under-funded, and that there was little to no counselling there. After sharing my whole story with her, she felt that what I needed was a lot of one-on-one therapy. She was right. If the Psychiatrist the night before had of actually LISTENED to me, and explained to me WHY she didn't want to admit me, I would have been fine with it. Some people just should not be in the mental health profession!

My best friend, Kat, who I am sadly not friends with anymore (that's another story), came with me that night. She stayed at the hospital with me until I fell asleep, in the wee hours of the morning. I will never forget her for that. She was so wonderful, and such a good friend. I will certainly always love Kat, even though I had to make the decision to not be her friend anymore (years later).

A couple of days later, it was going to be my first night alone, and I was afraid to be alone. So I called up Rob (why I didn't choose, say my best friend Mel, or Kat, I don't know!) and asked him if I could come over. I knew that he was right at the end of his semester (in the Lib Tech program), and that he had an assignment due the next day, but I didn't need to talk, I just needed to not be alone. So I went over to his place, and read Gone With the Wind while he did homework. The plan was for me to stay over, so when I was ready for bed, I asked Rob if I should sleep on the couch (remember we aren't dating anymore here). He smiled sheepishly and replied, "no, we can share a bed. I'm sure we can handle ourselves." So I went to bed in his bed.

A few hours later, Rob joined me. My back was facing him (on purpose, cause "I don't love him, I don't..." Who was I kidding?), and when he got into bed he put his arm around me and started cuddling me. It felt so good. So comforting. I loved him so much. I rolled over and we started kissing. The whole time, I was feeling so conflicted. I knew I loved him. I couldn't deny it anymore. But I also knew that he didn't want a serious relationship. So while I was really enjoying making out with him, and I really wanted to be doing so, I also knew that I shouldn't be. Basically, in my mind, I was alternating yes, no, yes, no...

All of a sudden Rob stopped kissing me, brushed my hair back behind my ear, and said, "I really missed you Jen." Then I told him that I loved him for the first time, even though I knew he didn't love me (or so I thought). But then he told me that he loved me too. And we've been living together, more or less, since!

I love him so much. I never thought I could be this happy. Everyday, I wonder how I got so lucky. But then I remember all the shit I went through, and all the bad relationships I ended, and realize that I'm not lucky at all. I could have settled with someone else a long time ago (many of them actually). But I didn't. Because I knew that I wanted a love so complete that all it did was make me free to be me (if that makes any sense). I wanted to be with someone who, when I was with him, I felt more myself than I ever did with anyone else. Someone who allowed me to be my fullest happy. And I am glad to say that I finally found him. I am lucky that I found him still, but not, because I worked hard to do so!

I guess that's all I have to say.

The Lovely Bones: a Novel Book Review

The second book we discussed, at our second book club meeting, was The Lovely Bones: a Novel, by Alice Sebold.

I absolutely loved this book. And it created such wonderful discussion at our meeting!

Like I mentioned previously, this book is about a little girl who is murdered. She tells her story, looking down from heaven; of her murder, of her life after death, and of her family and how they cope. It's a beautifully emotional tale.

Some of the book club members did not like this book. They thought that the characters were two-dimensional, and that some of the concepts were just too far fetched. Which, some of them were, I agree (I just didn't mind - I let myself go there, because I loved the emotions and the characters so much, that although my logic rejected these concepts, my emotions said, "shut up logic," and put that to rest!).

I particularily loved Sebold's description/concept of life after death. It reminded me of the movie What Dreams May Come.

Basically, Susie (the murdered girl) looks down on the real world from her version of heaven. In her heaven are all the things that comfort her, and she is free to watch what her family is doing without her. Other people come in and out of her heaven as they please. Heaven is what you want it to be. Through her descriptions, the reader learns about the struggles her Mother, Father, Grandmother, brother and sister go through after her murder. We also learn of Suzie's own struggles to let go of her family and loved ones.

I highly recommend this book. Even though it may not be perfect (as some of the book club members pointed out) in it's narrative, it was still a beautiful book, and one of the best I've come across in awhile!

Book Club Books

So, after much ado, here is the complete list of books we are going to be reading (including those we have already read):

1. The Accidental, by Ali Smith

2. Lovely Bones, by Alice Sebold

3. The Golden Spruce, by John Vaillant

4. Thirty-Three Swoons, by Martha Cooley

5. The Coffee Trader, by David Liss

I will post reviews for these, as we read them.

Accidental Book Review

OK, so I didn't post that much on Thursday....oops. I ran out of time, what can I say??

Anyways, to add to the last post, here is my review of the first book on our list:

1. Accidental, by Allie Smith

This was the first book that we discussed at our first book club meeting. It was a really great book. Although the plot line was not that original, the narrative jumps from person to person in a very creative way, making this book a great read.

It was a little difficult to get into at first, but once you get through the first few chapters, it's hard to put down!

The book is about a family, somewhat dysfunctional. The mother, Eve, who is re-married to Michael, and two children (from Eve's first marriage), 17-year old Magnus, and 12-year old Astrid. They are on vacation at a summer house in Norfolk (England), a boring little town. In walks Amber, a complete stranger. Without actually lying to anyone, she ends up a house guest with the family for the summer. Eve assumes she is one of Michael's girlfriends (he has many affairs with his post-graduate students at the University where he teaches, and she knows it), and Michael assumes she is one of Eve's fans (she is an acclaimed novelist). In her own, somewhat psychotic way, Amber helps the family to let go of some issues, and to start to see things as they are (instead of in some deluded way). In many ways I loved Amber's character, because she simply tells things like they are. No crap what so ever. However, I hated her character more, because she was manipulative and conceited.

Most of the people in the book club really enjoyed the book. I was one of them. However, a few people found it too confusing to follow, with all the different narratives.

For a full (more thorough) review, please see Amazon.ca: http://tinyurl.com/2mlnqa

2. The next book on our list is The Lovely Bones, by Alice Sebold. Rob (my lovely fiancee) has already started reading it, and is having a hard time putting it down. He likes it far better than Accidental, and says that it is a very emotionally driven book so far.

It is about a little girl who is dead. She was murdered, and the narrative is from her point of view, looking down from heaven. It follows her family and how they cope with her murder, and how she copes with it too. Either than that, I can't say anymore, cause I haven't read it yet (I'm in the middle of The Eyre Affair, by Jasper Fforde).

Gotta go!

Book Club

It's been awhile since I had a chance to post anything, but ideas have been abounding in my little brain. So, there might be quite a few posts happening today, now that I finally have some time!

Item number one on my list is the Book Club Rob & I just joined. My friend Courtney (see the blog, Reading is Sexy) came up with the idea, and organized the club. We had our first official meeting last Saturday, and it went really well. There were eight of us, and the meeting was hosted by Andrew and Courtney. We each picked two books we'd like to read. Then we drew them out of a hat, and in that order, decided that those are the books we will read over the coming months. Then, whom ever suggested the book for that month will host the meeting! Cool, huh? If you're a book nerd I suppose...

Anyways, I will be posting my reviews of the books we read, and I'll also let you know what the rest of the group read. Again, exciting, if you're a book nerd!

Third Week on Candida Diet

Well, it is the beginning of my 3rd week on this diet. It hasn't been so bad. I've lost about 6 pounds, so that's great!! I cheated a little bit this weekend, by having a few glasses of whiskey, two nights in a row. Either than that, I've been pretty good. I have had NO sugar at all for 3 weeks, except for one cherry Lifesaver this afternoon, which I couldn't even finish! It was too sweet! My taste buds seem to be changing - things that previously didn't taste sweet now taste sweet.

Health wise, I'm feeling ok. The first 2 weeks, I was really feeling groggy without caffeine. Like I mean head not working groggy. So I've started having 1 cup of caffeinated tea in the mornings. I figure having ADD, I need some sort of stimulant (Ritalin works because it is a stimulant).

Anyways, I've also been a little bit moody, but I'm not sure if that's because of the horrible weather (no sunshine!), or the cleanse. Maybe a combo. Cleansing can sometimes bring up emotional messes from the past.

My psoriasis might be clearing up (it's hard to say), so that's good. And my tummy is definetely flatter, and I've hardly had any tummy aches! I usually get quite a few, so that's nice!

That's about it!

Later skaters.